In January, I found a Safeway that places packets of beef jerky in the beer aisle. This was an epiphany of the highest levels for me, and I vowed to only buy beef jerky and alcohol at this one Safeway. I think this resolution lasted four days, since this Safeway happened to be 45 miles from my home.
In February, I found these awesome glasses at RiteAid. They were about $10 and I did not buy them. Because I no longer wear glasses.
In March, I found this photo I had taken in a bathroom in a restaurant in Chicago and remembered that I took it because there was a girl lying prostrate in the handicap stall weeping into the arms of her best gay friend. I asked if they needed anything and he shouted that EVERYTHING IS FINE! THANK YOU! So I took this picture, and then asked everyone back at my table to go into the women's restroom and see for themselves.
In April, I saw this advertisement in the SkyMall catalog. No one else thought it was funny.
In May, I got to sit in the front row for an Over The Rhine concert at this horrific location in the suburbs. It was great being so close to my favorite band on such a shitty night, because I was close enough to see the rage seething through their eyes as they scorched holes in the floors of the mother fucking Presbyterian Church.
In June! June was a great month, as you can tell by how half my toenail was torn off after I stumbled into the back of someone's shoe. It hurt and no one believed me. This was the last time I ever paid for any kind of decoration on my toe, or stood so close to anyone while wearing sandals.
Also in June, I ate ice out of a cooler at a horrible, dirty diner.
In July I painted my house, and sat there watching it dry because I couldn't reach the ceiling. July was uneventful until I got this ladder here, because then I could reach the ceiling, so I sat around watching the ceiling paint dry.
August was a blur of bloody appendages.
In September, we took a roadtrip to Bodie and ate at a little joint called the Jolly Kone Massage. They had great shakes and hot dogs and for a penance extra you could get a massage. We didn't get the massage but we did get a pitcher of PBR at a cowboy bar for about $.75, and also made a campfire.
In October, I lost half my life when I started watching Grey's Anatomy. In order to make room in my brain for what my doctors are really doing the whole time I'm sitting there in the waiting room for about five hours them to stop my pain and bleeding, I removed the parts of my brain that allowed me to care and replaced it with Starbucks ice cream and the entirety of Seasons 1 & 2.
In November I voted even though I didn't know half of the things on the ballot and couldn't find my polling place and drove from elementary school to elementary school begging for someone to just hand me a pen and a ballot already, until finally at one polling place they finally confirmed that I was indeed a legal resident of the USA, and told me how great I smelled to boot. I don't remember what I voted for.
In December, I saw Damien Rice in concert and basically lost my soul to his anger and rage.
And finally, just when I thought things couldn't get better so close to the end of the year, while waiting for this ridiculous flight in Chicago, I saw Taylor Hicks just standing around the airport, looking at his fingernails. He signed some autographs and made a couple of phone calls and then got in line for a flight to San Antonio, and then some girl came up to him yelling his name and said, "We're not going to Texas! Get out of that line!"
He just walked away with her, looking at his fingernails.
