What Katie Couric Is Thinking At 6:55 am

Jesus Christ I'm tired. I can't believe that asshole cat threw up again in the closet. Why the closet? It's a good thing Maria was there to clean it up. I wonder if I should put an intercom in her room? Then I wouldn't have to get out of bed to call her to my room. Or maybe one of those baby monitors? That would work. God where is that fucking intern with my coffee already? Why do we even hire interns if they don't know how to get coffee right?

God I can't wait until May. Can't wait until May Can't wait until May my god May May May. Why isn't it May yet? Ughhh I just want to get out of here already. I can't wait to talk about real shit like the war - God the war is going to be so great for me. Maybe I'll go on assignment or something, I should think about that. I've been on assignment before, I've gone to the Vatican a bunch and we did that onsite at American Idol last year, I can totally do the war.

Or maybe we can do something really cutting edge and go to China or something? That would be ok, I don't really want to go to China. Their babies are cute but whatever. Unless the food is like Hot Wok at the grocery store. Ughh I hope Maria went to the store today, and not that discount place where she gets the laundry detergent. I wonder who does Kelly Rippa's hair? She's such a moron. I don't know how she got that job, fucking soap opera star. She doesn't even have a journalism degree like I do.

God where is that fucking intern with my coffee? May May May May May. Ok, let's go Katie, five minutes, let's get on it. Who's on the show...Dennis Quaid? Oh fuck me Jesus Dennis Quaid??? I can't believe he's still making movies. At least he's not with that Meg Ryan, what a bitch. I'm so glad her movies are tanking. Didn't she get a Chinese baby? I bet it's retarded or something. America's sweetheart my ass, try "America's sweetheart Katie Couric!" Seriously no one thinks Meg Ryan is attractive.

Ok, let's go. How are we going to say it? This is Today. Good morning, it's today on Today. Hi America, it's Today. Jesus I want out of this. Good Evening, America, this is the news. This is CBS Headline news Today. Fuck! Can't stop saying it! Ughh I've got to get that out of my head. CBS Evening News I'm Katie Couric this is Tod---gah! Stop stop stop. MAY MAY MAY MAY MAY. Good afternoon America...afternoon? Wtf? Ughh I cannot do this anymore!

Where is that intern! I'm so fucking going to kill Matt if he's wearing Cool Water again today. Today on Today Matt Lauer smells like a jr. high dance, thanks for joining us America! God I so want to cover the war! I hope it doesn't end until August or something. I bet they'll let us go right before and I could ride in a tank or something. May May May. May, June, July, August. Four months and I'll be in a tank, fucking perfect. Or maybe China, who cares. God I should call Maria and tell her to pick up some won tons.