Jane Smith would have worked just fine.

Today I did something I have always dreamed of doing, I left a really nasty note on the windshield of a big huge SUV that parked so close to my car I couldn't get in on my driver's side. I have no idea what came over me.

My car was parked squarely in the center of the two white lines that make up one singular parking space, and yet the person driving this enormous and ridiculous monstrosity of a vehicle must have thought that white line was merely a suggestion of where to park. She must have gone through the whole parking lot and dismissed all the other empty spaces until she came upon the only one near my car where she pulled up and figured the closer she was to my car, the better! So as I was inside Walgreen's buying hair dye and deodorant and lip gloss and bobby pins, she was maneuvering her way to blocking me in completely.

I walked outside and saw the side view mirror of this SUV resting squarely on my driver's side door, leaving not more than 9 inches for me to try and squish through to get inside my car. I'm not an obese person, in fact I often still shop in the children's section for clothing, so I decided I'd try and get in my driver's side door anyway. I made the mistake, however, of twisting my body through the gap with the wrong hip facing forward, so when I attempted to turn my body at a better angle, my hips got stuck between the cars. I literally could not move back or forth and had to wiggle myself up and down to  dislodge my extremities.

I WAS LIVID! How dare they make me dislodge my extremities, or lodge them for that matter! Luckily, as I wiped the sweat from my brow and backed my ass out of the tiny car crevasse, the person on the other side of my car pulled out and drove away, so I was able to crawl through my car from the passenger side and start it up. But before I did, I sat there with the air conditioning blasting on my face, embarrassed that I had just broken a sweat bouldering out of a gap in a parking space for the love of Christ, and was so, so, so angry at this stupid SUV driver parked next to me. So I took out my little pad and pencil and started drafting a seething note to leave on their windshield.

My first version started, "Dear Fucking Assholes," but I decided I didn't want to be too formal. I had just dislodged myself because of them, if anything their car and I were past the ustedes phase of a relationship. The "Dear" part was nonessential. I tore out the page and instead wrote, "Thanks for being so courteous with your parking!" But then I realized that very few people get my sense of humor, and it's often that I say something like, "GEE THANKS!" and someone replies with, "Hey! You're welcome!" not realizing that I said THANKS because they just stepped on my foot with their enormous giant hoofs or forgot my birthday.

For this purpose, I decided I should remain at least somewhat sarcastic, but not so sarcastic that my point was misconstrued as happiness. So I tore that piece of paper out and started again with, "You ruined my day!" But again, I was displeased with my tone, it all seemed too foul for a mere parking scuffle. But then again, I was lodged between the cars on a hot sunny day in a parking lot made of black asphalt, I could be foul, right?

Almost 30 minutes had passed at this point, and I was annoyed and hot and sweating and my hips were sore from the dislodging, so I frantically scribbled on a piece of paper, "Thanks for being such an asshole and parking so close to my car!!!" That was it, it was simple and effective and conveyed just the right amount of frustration for someone in my position and didn't forsake all the other atrocities in the world but still make it clear how serious parking is. I reversed my car a few feet until I could open my car door, then I hopped out and stuck the note under the windshield wiper.

As soon as I did, I heard, "Excuse me! Can I help you!?"

The owner of the SUV was walking right toward me, and I'd just placed a handwritten note on her windshield that called her an asshole and insulted her driving abilities. Considering I'm not too good at insulting people face-to-face, I froze with the stupid note I'd just written inches from my fingertips. I had to think quick, which is also the other thing I'm really not so good at.

"OH! Is this your car? I thought it was...uh...Tonya's."
"Tonya who?'
"Tonya...Schm..arens...ons. Schmarensons, I don't know her very well."
"Oh, yeah. Not Tonya's!"
"OK!" I started running to my car.
"Do you want your note back?"
"UH, no, that's ok. If you see Tonya could you give it to her OK THANKS BYE!"

I jumped in my car and sped away without looking both ways, I was terrified that the SUV lady was going to follow me and shoot me in a horrible bout of suburban road rage. But more than that, I was kicking myself for my inability to come up with a better character name besides Tonya Schmarensons.