It's only the second week of October and already I've been asked 90,000 times what I'm going to "be" for Halloween. I'll tell you what I'm going to "be" this year: I'm going to be really fucking annoyed if you ask me one more time what I'm going to be.
UGH, how I hate Halloween. I hate adults in their stupid costumes and I hate little kids all walking around in their stupid costumes, and I hate all the stupid costumes that line the grocery store aisles while I'm not shopping for a stupid costume. And I absolutely hate the custesy costumes little office girls wear, like the little cutesy cat ears on headbands and the devil horns on headbands and the bunny fucking ears on fucking headbands. Ugh, people, UGH.
In addition to my distaste for all things costumey and cutesy, I also cannot stand to watch helplessly as thousands upon thousands of innocent pumpkins go slaughtered every year for the sake of juvenile revelry. Pumpkins are the most tortured vegetables of the fall harvest season, yet they are pretty and semi-useful and taste good to boot. Just think about what it would be like if we took all the people who were pretty and semi-useful and who tasted good and threw them off the rooftop to watch them splat. We'd have no more Miss America contest.
No really, pumpkins have it the worst of all the vegetables on earth. Born into concentration camps, pumped with horse shit and corn cob shavings so they'll grow up nice and rotund, all for the sake of being ruthlessly chosen by some yuppie spoiled kid in a fucking wagon so he can take it home and kill it by hacking into it with a safety knife. I mean, how would you like it if I came and plucked you up out of your bin and scalped you and then carved another face on top of the face you already have? Wouldn't feel so hot, would it? What if I did it while wearing some stupid fucking cat ears on a headband? Huh?
This year, I propose the beginning of a new holiday, the Holiday Against Cruelty Toward Pumpkins, or, "HACTP," or even "HACK TA PAH" if you're someone who has to pronounce anagrams. Every time I see someone carving the seeds out of a pumpkin in a senseless and selfish act of harvest-induced glee, I'm going to scream at them, "HAPPY FUCKING HACK TA PAH YOU SELFISH BASTARD WITH YOUR SILLY COSTUME!!" Then when they're staring at me with their hands stained orange by the blood of innocent pumpkin babies, I'll throw all the scooped-out seeds in their face and say something like, "What's wrong, sucker? Cat got your tongue? Can't handle having death thrown in your face?! Fuck you with your fucked up solstice merrymaking!!"
Or something. Man, I'm going to have to come up with something better to say, especially if someone decides to press charges.
