So, there's this website out there on the olde interweb that everyone talks about like it's the best fucking website ever created when really everyone is just caught up in the quicksand of the latest trendy weblog. I'm not kidding you, the kind of press this site receives is pretty revolting to say the least, and the with the amount of verbal fellating that this weblog author receives it's like she's got her own Washington intern under her desk. It is in ever single respect entirely annoying, and not even in that "I'm saying it's annoying because I'm secretly jealous" way. I mean it's really, really fucking annoying in the "I'm a middle-aged jr. high dance dj who still offers the Macarena and the chicken dance in healthy rotation" way.
I read this website maybe once or twice a month, but lately the length of time I go between readings has stalled significantly since every time I go to that site the author is talking about FECES. Hers, other people's, her dog's...it's just unbearable. The popularity of her site proves all my theories about how twisted the universe is because thousands of people would rather read her stories of feces than any of the other intelligent and entertaining media on the web. I mean, honestly people, what the hell is so amusing about someone's shit?!? Are you all in the same fraternity or something?
I don't know about you, but I've got some serious guidelines about what I read and what I skim over online. Those include, but are in no way limited to:
- Feces!
- Your period, and/or getting it and/or not getting it!
- Menstrual cramps!
- Your manic depression!
- That time you were molested!
- That time you molested someone!
- That time you stalked your ex online and posted anonymous comments to their website!
- More feces!
The worst part about this whole story, with the feces and the website, is that there is a possibility this weblog author and I will be up for review by the same book agent this fall. I don't know much about it other than what my spies have told me, but from what I hear there is a good chance that she'll get a deal because of the amount of press she's received this year. Did you hear that? Let me rephrase it in case I wasn't clear: It's because the world wants to hear about her problems shitting. I've gotten a healthy dose of press myself, none that I'd ever be content with, but unfortunately I've never talked about my shit before.
No really, you people are sick. And if I lose a deal to a woman who has so severely expended all her material that she relies on her own bodily functions for fame, I am only going to be ok with that if her book is cut in the shape of a toilet.
